


I'm Lost Inside My Head (You're Lost Inside as Well)

by that_litkid



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), neither is phil, talking about feelings is hard though, techno is not having a very good time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29712885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_litkid/pseuds/that_litkid
Summary: “There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can’t change rule number one.”-Larry Gelbart (M*A*S*H)OrTechno is left to mourn the passing of Wilbur, someone he felt so close to and yet so far from.(Title from: A Conversation About Identity by Tea)
Relationships: Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF)
Kudos: 14





	I'm Lost Inside My Head (You're Lost Inside as Well)

This wasn’t the plan. It was supposed to go like this: Wilbur destroys L’Manburg and Techno watches as no one claims ownership over the useless crater that was home to corruption and betrayal and government. He would let Wilbur kill off what L’Manburg was and he would pretend to be sad about it and then it would all be okay.

He was never meant to pull out his withers, but the new government forced him to take matters into his own hands. He was never meant to continue the destruction on L’Manburg before fleeing. He was never meant to become the bad guy in the situation. HIs plans were thrown out the window early on, which made everything else so stupidly infuriating.

Wilbur was never meant to die. Phil was never meant to kill his son. Techno was never meant to watch. When Techno shifted his plans, it wass because something unexpected happened, it may not have been the next logical step to take but it felt like the right one at the moment in his circumstances. It could have still been seen as a reasonable next step. Wilbur, on the other hand, had everything going perfectly according to plan for him. It didn’t make any sense and the fact it didn’t make any sense is what kept Techno up late some nights running his fingers through his long hair. If some knots caught and he pulled until there were small pricks of pain that was his business and no one else’s. That, at least, would be much quieter than the late night pacing in his room. He had a roommate to be considerate of, of course.

However, those late nights spent thinking and rethinking and rethinking yet again never seemed to get him any closer to finding the answer to a question that could never be solved. Logically, it was a waste of time, Techno knew that all too well, but the world seemed to lack logic as of recent. If things were logical, L’Manburg would only be in history books. If things were logical, Schlattt would’ve taken the country with him. If things were logical, Wilbur would have stuck to the plan and everything would’ve been fine except he didn’t and it’s not.

_Unless that was part of the plan._

Techno would usually stop thinking and try to sleep at some point, and he knows Phil was grateful for it because every reminder that Techno is trying to deal with a dead Wilbur and an alive nation was a reminder that Phil was handed one of the worst possible hands when joining the Dream SMP. Phil would feel that it was his fault until the day he died.

One morning, Techno walked downstairs and only muttered some small talk to Phil before going out to hunt for food. He didn’t come back until just before the sunrise of the next morning. He doesn’t remember what he did all day but he didn’t return with anything and Phil never asked and that was the end of that. Phil offered him a warm cup of tea when he woke up and Techno accepted, as per usual, and they went about their day in the strange new normal. The house was haunted by a perpetual silence that persisted even through when they talked because the words they said to each other never really meant anything in the first place.

If Wilbur were here he would make fun of Techno for being so caught up on his death, he would make jokes about how he’s getting soft while braiding Techno’s long hair and he would tell Techno that his tough guy persona was slipping. He would spend the day laughing and jabbing Techno for feeling sad that his brother- his close friend was dead. The thought makes Techno want to curl in on himself and die.

After a month or two of the words behind their heads threatening to spill like a damn finally breaking under the pressure, Techno started to feel the effects of his accidental all-nighter kick in. He knew he was in a haze and not thinking straight, and he let himself say the words that had been waiting to be said for so long, “I really miss him, Phil,” over their usual morning tea.

Phil put his mug down and stared into it, looking lost, and said, “I know. I’m sorry.” It was what Techno needed to hear even if he knew that logically, it wasn’t the truth.

“Don’t be,” is all Techno said back. Sometimes, words would only complicate communication, and so they left it at that.

_Until it wasn’t._

It was so easy to pretend that things were almost normal. Techno wouldn’t tell Phil about how he had recently barely managed to convince himself not to burn down a village in anger because Phil never asked. Phil wouldn’t tell Techno about how he was coping either because talking about things suddenly makes them scarily real. To Techno’s knowledge, the worst Phil was doing to cope was write something frantically late at night sometimes, but Techno knew enough about Phil to know that he was definitely hiding something. That’s fine, they both knew to not talk about it.

Logically though, the lack of communication between them would catch up eventually. It started with a faint knock on the door. Techno almost missed it, if he had been any farther from the door he certainly would have. Something about it caught his attention though, and so Techno walked to the door and opened it. HIs brot- old friend was on the other side.

Maybe saying that it was Wilbur was a stretch, it looked like Wilbur, that was for certain, but something was different. Wrong. The thing that looked like Wilbur smiled at him and Techno’s stomach churned. He hadn’t seen Wil smile like that for God knows how long. Whatever this thing was must have been malicious, to toy with Techno in such a way. It took every bit of strength inside him to not show how he was feeling to the thing. Phil walked past the doorway and saw the scene. He was dressed to go outside and he moved past Techno quickly, shooting one guilty look back before closing the door on Techno and heading off somewhere with the freak that stole Wilbur’s face. Techno was almost thankful for it. If he had to look at it for a second longer he may have cried or punched something or let himself try to see Wilbur in that thing.

Phil came back that evening and Techno declined the offer of tea. They sat in the uncomfortably heavy air for too long before Techno couldn’t bear it any longer.

“How long?” he asked.

“A while,” Phil responded and if Techno were paying more attention, he may have caught the hint of shame laced in the confession. Another silence. “I would have told you.”

“I’m sure you would have,” Techno said, knowing that they were both lying. Logically, leaving things purposefully unsaid on both ends is one of the worst ways to communicate your thoughts and feelings with another person, but it also wasn’t very logical for that thing to show up and run away with Phil. Nothing was making any sense anymore and Techno hated it more than anything but he would keep that to himself as long as possible. He was upset with Phil but he was already hurting enough without Techno shattering to pieces in front of him.

He woke up the next morning to a flower crown on his windowsill and a note addressed to him written in bright blue ink. He didn’t touch it because the second he started to give in, he knew he’d cave.

_Phil would put him together with gold and cry._

It became harder every day. Wilbur’s guitar sat in Phil’s room. It always looked as though it had just been used, even though he hadn’t ever played it once. There were more and more flower crowns and trinkets and little notes in blue ink showing up on his windowsill that he never touched and it began to become so big that Techno could barely hold his thoughts back anymore and it finally became too much. Techno was barely keeping himself together. After a really bad night, he went downstairs in the morning and Phil’s face softened and dropped. He looked Techno up and down looking for something that wasn’t there. He looked like he was going to say something but quickly shut his mouth and turned to boil water for tea. Techno sat in silence until Phil passed him a mug of tea. The smell twisted a knife in his heart.

“Earl grey?” Techno asked, and Phil nodded slowly. It was his brother’s favourite. Milk, no sugar.

“I thought we could try something else today.”

Techno broke.

He only knew he was crying because of how Phil’s expression changed and the way he rushed to Techno’s side. It was all so blurry, and it all happened in a flash. Techno didn’t know when he had moved to the floor but there he was and Phil was gently guiding Techno’s hands away from his body. He was wrapped in a wing half-burnt. Phil sat and let Techno mutter to himself through sobs, both of which he had been so hard to hide. It all came pouring out before he could stop it from happening, not that he would have.

After a couple minutes, Techno was okay enough to stand and take his tea to his room. He laid the mug on his nightstand and looked out the window. There were flower crowns and trinkets and notes written in blue ink on his windowsill. Slowly, he picked up the note that came with the first flower crown.

_Techno!_  
_Sorry we didn’t talk much today, Phil seemed really excited to go fishing._  
_I had a lot of fun doing it, actually!_  
_I even made this flower crown while I was out there, and I thought you might like it._  
_Maybe we should go fishing, or I could show you around my library sometime!_  
_I think that would be nice._  
_Feel free to write me letters too, they’re fun to make._  
_Anyways, I’m going to go now, I still need to make more lanterns for New L’Manburg!_  
_Talk to you soon!! :]_  
_-Ghostbur_

Techno looks to the flower crown, made with golden flowers that were mostly dead by now, since it had almost been a week since it had been dropped off. Phil doesn’t mention anything when an empty book, some wax paper, and the kettle goes missing. The next time Phil comes up to Techno’s room, he doesn’t mention the preserved flowers hanging in and around the window. Techno accepts the offer of some more tea. Logically, Techno knows there’s still so many issues to solve and things to get over but in the end, he decides that things might just turn out okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hungry and it's almost 4am so I can't do anything about it :/
> 
> Anyways hope you enjoyed because it would be better than not enjoying it I suppose. Anyways drink some water and have a lovely night/day! :]


End file.
